Through the Looking Glass
Photo by Liz Brown
I wrote “You Won’t Ever Abandon Me” in the summer of 2021. I had just lost my dad, we had just left the church we had totally immersed ourselves in for 17 years, and I had a few other relational things that were imploding as well. Feeling very overwhelmed by grief and too many changes, I thought it would be a good idea to pull the trigger on something I had been wanting to do for a long time — go away for a few days on a solo retreat. (In an Airbnb, understand. This isn’t the beginning of a survival story.)
I chose a place in rural Kansas, brought a few books and my guitar, and pretty much only left my tiny house to watch the sunset and to stargaze. To some people, that might sound boring, but it was exactly what I needed.
“I’ve never been here before
I feel like I’ve opened a strange new door
My feet are in search of something steady
I should move on but I’m not ready”
I don’t think I’ve ever had a time in my life where I had felt as much like Alice from Alice in Wonderland; like I had fallen down a rabbit hole and landed in a world that felt entirely foreign, even though elements of it were familiar. It was that feeling that provided the inspiration for my favorite musical element of the song. Coming out of the first few verses, the song takes a sharp turn from the key of D to make a little pit stop in the key of E; and then just as quickly as you enter the new key, you’re snapped out of it and back into D. (It does a similar thing on the bridge.) It’s nothing particularly groundbreaking in terms of songwriting, but it is a little bit outside of the box, and it accurately conveys the feelings I had at the time — not only the disorientation, but also the feeling of hopeful anticipation of what might come next after a surprising turn of events.
About a year and a half later, I still feel like Alice sometimes, but now, many of those once hopeful-expectations-of-what-might-come-next have been replaced with concrete things like memories, names, faces, and opportunities that have opened for me, for which I am very grateful. Many of the songs I’ll be releasing this year express things that I truly felt, but don’t necessarily still feel (at least not all the time). They’re like time capsules in that way. In 2023, I can sing the phrase “you won’t ever abandon me” with a little more confidence than when I wrote it in 2021. When you unexpectedly feel like a foreigner in your own life, the thought that God will never abandon you is incredibly anchoring.
I’m happy to have gotten a chance to record and release this song, because I know that I’m not the only person who had a Wonderland experience in the last couple years. If you’re reading this and feeling like you can relate to Alice and me — 1) I hope this song can bring you some comfort, and 2) please feel free to reach out to me if you want to chat about it.
